i blog my photoshop class

Nicole writes: “For the love of Pete…”

...do i really have to sit through this boring-ass non-credit community-level adobe photoshop class tonight, when the penguin game and the casey-santorum debate is on television? and my girlfriend is sick? and the person i work with – sarah – is skipping class? who will i talk to?

yes, i must go to class. what follows is a play-by-play of my class, typed as it occurred.

6:05pm: the instructor hasn’t arrived yet. maybe he won’t come!

shit. i hear him in the hall.

class attendance has decreased significantly since our first class six weeks ago. the first night twelve people attended. tonight, six.

our instructor’s dress code has also decreased since that first night. during our first class, he wore a nice shirt and tie, along with dress pants. tonight? sweatshirt, jeans, baseball cap. they’re not paying him enough.

6:07: two stragglers roll in. lucy (the crazy lady) still hasn’t showed up. actually, her name is sandra.

6:11: our instructor, ken, has checked his phone twice already. it is obvious he wants to leave as much as we do.

6:13: great. i feel like a total douchebag. ken just informed us that a student of his (he teaches somewhere else during the day) has died in a car accident this week. his quote: “this week has been hell.” then he answered a phone call.

all bets are off now – anything could happen in this class. will my guilt dissipate by the end of the class? stay tuned.

6:14: the older gentleman who seems like an all-around good guy informs ken and the class that sandra will not be attending class tonight due to sickness.

others have since arrived. now everyone else is here. looks like sandra and my friend sarah are the only ones who didn’t make it tonight.

6:17: ken gives us his phone number in case we have to contact him. tonight’s class is the next-to-last class. thanks. ken also informs us that he teaches both high school and college.

i expect the updates to slow down now. i think he might begin instruction.

6:22-6:36: the class waits while our instructor works through a lesson before we do it, to make sure it works. ken concludes we cannot use this lesson because we are working on pc’s. the lesson is for a mac. fourteen minutes down the tube. i wonder what my sick girlfriend is doing right now. oh that’s right, she is sick. i should be taking care of her. instead, i’m here. i’m a terrible person.

easy dude. ken has had a tough week. chill out.

6:40: ken is now downloading a video for us to watch. waiting, waiting, waiting.
just remember greg: there are four molson goldens in the refrigerator for you if you can make it until 9:00pm.

6:46: still waiting. the older guy up front has the video playing on his computer, and he is now attempting to help our instructor get the video playing on the projector screen on the wall.

6:49: our instructor proclaims: “no. you aren’t going to stop me tonight. i will not be defeated.” i’m not sure if he is talking to us or god. ken is now disconnecting the projector from his computer and connecting it to the old guy’s computer.

6:52: the video is now playing. fifty-two minutes into class, we begin.

6:55: i ask ken a question. i can tell by his tone he dislikes me.

6:57: ken accidentally started the movie over.

7:27: i have successfully made a mountain with a flag on it using photoshop. and you wanted to miss this, sarah?

7:29: ken laughed and said, “isn’t this fun?” then he laughed some more.

i’m hungry. and I have to urinate. but i don’t want to miss anything. i’m terrified that next week (the last class), ken is going to give us some sort of quiz to determine if we have learned anything. i am going to fail and my company is not going to reimburse me for the $130 i paid for the class and the $30 i paid for the book. i’ll slit my wrists to get that $160 back. whatever is necessary. that is like, three or four people’s worth of christmas gifts.

7:33: we’re watching another video lesson. we watched the flag-on-a-mountain video six times. in a row. while we all tried to follow along. we watched it six times because there was no way to pause the video as we tried to execute each step. yeah, technology – sometimes it blows my mind too.

imagine watching an extremely boring five-minute video explaining how to use a computer program. now take what that feels like, and multiply it by six. welcome to my thursday night.

7:36: we passed the half-way point of class!


7:41: ken decides we will watch another video.
7:45: video over. ken’s response: “wooowwww. that was boring.” you said it man. “i wouldn’t have done it that way. let me show you another way.” my head hits the keyboard in frustration.

7:53: sweet! back in ken’s good graces. by demonstrating my use of the pen tool, he said to me, “great! you got it.”

he looks tired. now i feel really bad. though at this point, we are really just wasting time and everyone here knows it.

7:59: our instructor leaves to take another phone call. the old guy announces to the class, “i don’t like drawing.” a few laughs. i wish he would have said something else like, “my finger smells like the inside of my wife.” that would have made me laugh.

8:01: ken is back. fifty-nine minutes to go.

8:03: ken decides on another video. sarah, you chose the right class to skip. this is a joke.

8:11: my computer froze and then i gave myself a paper-cut. video lesson number four is now on. this one was prefaced with, “oh let’s see. let’s see what this one does. it’s really only for advanced students, but we’ll watch it anyway.”

the guy in front of me leaves. he claims “i have to pick up my wife.” yeah, right. great, now ken will be able to see if i’m paying attention. though, i’m happy that guy left because his cologne was kind of strong.

speaking of which, my armpits are kind of strong at this point of the day.

8:17: now i’m paranoid because despite trying to type quietly, i think my keystrokes are really loud. oh screw it, who cares. ken’s looking at his phone again.

8:19: the instructor’s computer is now frozen.

8:29: at least i can check the score of the penguin game during class on yahoo sports. school is so much better now than the 1950s, or even 1996 for that matter. you can watch games in class and look up everything on wikipedia. sometimes earth is really great.

8:32: the instructor is now sending a text message. why did you even have class tonight?

8:34: ken leaves for a phone call. i’m not exaggerating either with this phone business. the lady in front of me decides she is leaving. i am so jealous that she has made this decision, but let’s face it: she has more balls than i.

8:35: now the lady beside the lady that left is shutting down her computer and getting her things together. ken the instructor still isn’t back.

i’m out of here.

this decision makes me feel so good i feel as though i’ve found jesus. walking across the dark, cold parking lot, life seems pretty good.